Recent Articles by Dr. Morris
 

Trapped in a Gilded Cage: The Hidden Epidemic of Domestic Violence in Affluent Communities
Life's Transitions
Embracing Our Mistakes 
Women Supporting Women 
Mothers & Daughters    
Depression: A Female Problem?      
Food for Thought   
Self-Esteem: What Can Parents Do?
The Truth About Beauty

Trapped in a Gilded Cage: The Hidden Epidemic of Domestic Violence in Affluent Communities

When you hear the phrase domestic violence what image comes to mind? You may envision the Farrah Fawcett character in the “Burning Bed”, who finally managed her fear by killing her husband to save her own life. You may think of a woman with many children in tow, minimal education and limited ability to make a sufficient income to provide support for herself, let alone a family. We conceptualize a woman in great distress, with diminished self-esteem, absent a support system, and covered with a myriad of wounds (both physical and emotional), a woman who would get out if she had the resources, someone with a history of reliance on social services. While this is one very realistic and stereotypic image of the victim of domestic abuse, by the time your finished reading this article my hope is that your understanding, and your empathy will expand far beyond this image.

What I’d like to share may scare you; in fact, it may even keep you from wanting to continue. Why? Because the faces of the victims are not other women, they are us. It is essential to know that domestic violence is not an issue that is by any means limited to women.  It is not limited to women in relationships with men, and it’s not limited to women without economic or social resources. It affects everybody-men, women, and children. But it is women who are the primary victims of male physical assault in more than 90% of domestic violence cases. As a marriage and family therapist treating women in Boca Raton for nearly a decade, I’ve heard endless accounts of women living in fear within their own homes. Most are beautiful, well-dressed, articulate, educated, and with solid incomes and vibrant personalities. They are creative and interesting, the people you would enjoy working with or talking with over a leisurely lunch. They are mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, friends, co-workers, teachers, physicians, attorneys, financial advisors, therapists and entrepreneurs.  They don’t wear the traditional signs of domestic violence . . . sad eyes, bruised arms, or a helpless persona. They look like you and me. They are you and me.

We are the hidden victims of domestic abuse. Hidden because we are acculturated to believe that doesn’t happen to people like us. Like other women stuck in abusive, demeaning relationships, we don’t tell anyone. But, even more insidious is that we remain in these destructive relationships even when we have all the ostensible resources to get “unstuck”. Although the “blame the victim” question, “Why doesn’t she leave?” may have a viable answer for a woman living in poverty with five children under the age of six, economic barriers are not sufficient to understand the sense of entrapment experienced by a woman who is gainfully employed, well-educated, and appears confident and competent to others on a daily basis. What excuse do we have for not getting out? How can we “accept” abusive, harmful behavior directed toward us? Why aren’t we utilizing community resources and shelters? The answers are complex.

First we must realize that those of us who are in such a situation frequently don’t even identify ourselves as abuse victims. The victim mentality is not part of our makeup. We conceptualize the decision to remain in dangerous and destructive relationships as a choice, a trade off in some way. Our identities are that of survivors and managers of our own lives. Staying in an abusive relationship is often conceived as a decision based on the results of an ongoing, but objective, risk-benefit analysis. 

Another part of the psychological aspect of this process is that we really can’t believe this is happening to us. Because the stereotype is one in which domestic violence happens to women who are considered less empowered and don’t have the societal advantages that we’ve been blessed with, it is hard to reconcile that the abusive behavior we experience in our relationships can be called domestic violence. It must be something else, but not domestic violence. Often we feel so empowered in other areas of our lives that we dismiss the incidents of violence and threats as something we could have prevented or controlled. So we attribute these “events” to something other than being in a relationship with someone who acts abusively. We wonder if perhaps our strong personalities brought it on in some way. Maybe we did something to provoke it. We think that it was probably a one-time event, or something that happens only in certain situations (like only when he’s drinking). Therefore we have some degree of power over it. We have command over so many other aspects of our lives. It can’t be considered domestic abuse if we feel like we are successful, forthright, strong women. So we excuse or rationalize the behavior of the abuser because we believe, we want to believe, that we have control.

The cycle persists once we move away from the denial and admit to ourselves that we are immersed in an abusive relationship. Then we recognize an immense feeling of shame. There is a cultural mandate that suggests that if we are victims of an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, we are damaged goods. The social belief presides that there is something wrong with women who feel trapped in a relationship involving violence. The shame and humiliation cuts deeply into our sense of self, making reaching out for help and assistance even harder. The cycle of diminishing self-esteem escalates and we begin to isolate and cut off from the very resources that could best serve to help us. As this phenomenon continues to snowball, and we separate from friends and family, working even harder to keep up appearances, and bouncing between the need to maintain and need to end the abusive relationship, we tend to beat ourselves up even further for having not had the foresight to have avoided this situation all together. We can’t figure out how what once felt like hope has turned to hopelessness. We begin to doubt our ability to judge character. After all, he was the most charming, dynamic, thoughtful, generous man at the beginning. How could we have missed the signs? We start to question our worthiness as a partner, as a person. We also begin to develop a hopelessness about relationships in general. The “devil you know versus the devil you don’t know”  becomes a motto to keep us safe in the familiar, while reinforcing the erosion of self. Our trust in ourselves has been obliterated.

This is central to the slow, sometimes unperceivable development of abuse that can turn violent within a domestic relationship. Let’s face it, we don’t go out with the guy who has “mean-spirited, abusive, and power hungry” printed on his forehead. We don’t entertain the idea of a second date with a man who speaks proudly of his misogyny on the first date. Abusive behavior creeps up on us and sometimes it’s disguised as protectiveness or generosity. Then somehow it grows into the conveyance of the idea that he is somehow more capable to manage your life than you are. “I’ll take care of things,” he says. At the beginning of a relationship it is hard to differentiate between kindness and the desire to control. But it is over time that efforts to help shift toward insistence at taking over. You may start to notice that things that used to be a bit irritating now make him infuriated, and therefore you hold back. You find yourself being careful not to rock the boat while still aware of his positive qualities and all that you’ve grown to love. You may have intertwined your lives with a home and children. Soon, while he’s under stress from work or some other situation, he explodes and calls you demeaning names (you may even shoot back). He apologizes later, desperately sorry to have ever hurt your feelings. You forgive him, after all no one is perfect, but you remain careful not to upset him especially during these stressful periods. But the name-calling becomes more frequent and his insistence that you’re incapable grows more forceful. He becomes more demanding. You try to meet his needs. You begin to feel incapable as a partner and the cycle progresses. Your sense of self has mysteriously eroded.

This is much like the story of the frog in boiling water. If you place a frog in boiling water, he’ll quickly jump out. It’s an instinctive self-protective mechanism. A frog will surely die if boiled for any length of time. But place a frog in a lovely, warm, comforting pot of water and turn up the heat one degree each hour, the frog will end up boiling to death without having ever noticed when the heat got too high for him to move. He has become immobilized, with a sense that he is sure to die, but too paralyzed to protect himself.  

The lesson here is simple, but not really supported by our social norms. As girls we’re taught to be kind and respectful, to please others, and not to rock the boat. We are taught to be appreciative of the comforts offered to us by our partners without question. At times we have to step outside our prescribed gender roles to protect ourselves. We must be aware and willing to jump out of the water when we realize that it is getting too hot, even if it may hurt the feelings of someone we love and care about. I think Ellen Goodman said it best, “Speak up, speak up, speak up . . . the only thing you have to lose is your future ex-husband.” We must be proactive and willing to risk the loss of a comfortable and warm environment when we sense impending danger. Any woman, even those of us who are independent, competent, and strong, is susceptible to getting innocently trapped in a situation that is hazardous, emotionally or physically. The key is to recognize it and make a move before self-erosion has set in.

If you recognize yourself, or someone you know, reaching a point of danger in this pattern you must know one very important thing. . . YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Women throughout our community are going through this everyday, and they are just as frightened and confused as you are. And, yes, you would never know it by looking at them. But there is help available. You must know this. Unless you’ve been there before, you will not easily recognize the patterns of abuse until you have a lot invested in the relationship.

I have frequently used the metaphor of a beautiful butterfly resting comfortably in the safety of a tightly woven web. Once comfortable enough to sleep, she awakens and does not immediately realize the spider’s presence until she tries to fly and finds her wings are so tightly bound that she’s captive. It takes a community of other butterflies who they themselves have been captive and freed to help cut away the ties that bind her and set her free to regain the life she once knew and to see her beauty, spread her wings with confidence, and fly with grace once again.

Please feel free to call me confidentially, if you think you know someone who can benefit from this support. While a shelter can be helpful, many women in our community are reluctant to use social services when they’ve been used to the Ritz. There are resources within our area that can help women survive and thrive once they’ve made the commitment to find ways move forward. I can be reached at 561-558-2875 or by mobile phone at 561-702-0592. If you do reach a voice mailbox you may leave a confidential message. Out of respect and for your safety, be assured that I will not return your call unless you leave an explicit message as to when, where, and under what conditions I can contact you.

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Life Transitions

Throughout the course of our lives we experience a variety of changes. Each of these changes can be characterized as having an ending and beginning. Whether these changes are by chance or by choice, we have come to call such experiences transitions. Some transitions are expected and welcomed, even planned. These types of transitions include marriage, moving, or transferring to a new job. Others are simply out of our control, like death or downsizing. In all cases transitions can test our ability to adapt. Transitions by nature can create a sense of instability and uncertainty. This has to do with letting go of the familiar. Sometimes the lack of certainty and comfort is so extreme we experience it as stress or anxiety.

Like adults, children go through a series of transitions as part of normal development. When you think about it, each year they change grades and sometimes schools. Children expect these changes and often look forward to them. They are signs of growing older and maturing. Often such changes are accompanied by increased freedom and privileges. They are also accompanied by increased responsibility and difficulty. Children also face many unexpected transitions in their lives. Unlike adults, children tend to have less control over such changes and are more limited in their adaptive experience. Their natural tendencies, like ours, are to try to hold on to the familiar.

It is not unusual in times of transition to notice your child’s behavior reverting back to old behaviors that may have been appropriate when they were younger, but are maladaptive at this stage of development. In extreme circumstances, especially when the transition involves an apparent loss, children will regress to behaviors that are common in infancy and toddlerhood such as thumb sucking, tantrums, and bedwetting. It is important for parents to remember that these behaviors ease the anxiety of change. A child cannot learn to adapt to transitions if these kinds of behaviors are punished or discouraged without providing the child some other form of comfort.

    Problems emerge when parents are children are simultaneously encountering transition. Parents are faced with the awesome task of managing their own experience as well as helping their children. Death, divorce, moving, a new baby, or significant changes in income are examples of such instances. At times like these parents tend to have the most difficulty providing alternatives for their children. Some of these tips may be helpful in times of transition:

Preparation: If possible, the best way to help children adapt to change is through advance preparation. Allow the child to gradually acclimate to the new situation. If a new sibling is on the way, for instance, begin some structured time for independent play while you are busy with another task. You can also involve your child in picking out baby furniture, teach him how to hold a baby, or show her how to put on a diaper.

Take time for yourself: Although it may make sense to focus solely on the children during change, parents need to have some solitary time for adjustment to take care of themselves as well. Especially when a loss occurs due to unexpected circumstances, it is essential that parents enlist the help of friends, family, or other caretakers who will watch the children and give them the opportunity to grieve and develop a plan for the future.

Create stability: Life consists of the constant tension between stability and change. While some transitions seem as if they are all encompassing, it is generally possible to make sure that something stays the same. For instance, divorce often effects every aspect of the family life. But keeping the children with their primary caretaker or in the same school can allow for a child to maintain a comfortable sense of stability and predictability.

Be a good role model: Demonstrate healthy ways to adapt and manage the stress of change. Exercise, eat healthy food, and take care of your surroundings. Allow your child to notice your understanding that with endings come new beginnings. Acknowledge that changes are occurring and take a positive view of transition. Let go of old patterns that no longer work and look toward the future with hope.

Transitions are a natural part of life for all living things. Healthy adaptation skills are a significant key to resiliency and emotional development.

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Embracing Our Mistakes

Mistakes are our greatest friends. They are the anonymous, immortal teachers in a lifetime of learning. Rarely do mistakes arise out of intent, but if we are wise we find the purpose and value in them. Taking responsibility for our role in our mistakes is at the core of finding such purpose. We have choice with each and every action we take, every thought, and every feeling. There may be times when it seems these are not matters of free will, and that is true on a conscious level. But if we examine the decisions we make in our lives, in retrospect we can begin to discover how we attended to some values, thoughts, and feelings and ignored others. Each and every action involves a continuous process of connecting and letting go. The mistakes that we learn from are often relevant to the who and the what from which we attach and detach. However it is the when that seems to make the most significant difference in our potential to learn. The optimist is generally more prone to seeing the benefits of a connection, overlooking some important drawbacks, and connecting too quickly. The pessimist is likely to notice the disadvantages, missing the rewards, and detaching prematurely. In each case a mistake leads to loss, not necessarily a tangible loss, but the loss of the experience. With age, experience, and wisdom we can use our mistakes to learn when to connect and when to let go. We can learn to pay close attention to the whole picture, the good and the bad, the advantageous and the harmful, the short-term and the long-run. Mistakes tell us who we are and what is important to us, both temporally and eternally. Embrace your mistakes, look at the who, the what, and especially the when. This process offers context to our decisions, gives us greater insight into their purpose, and allows us to grow and change with more conscious control of our lives.

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Women Supporting Women

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Mothers and Daughters

For some it’s the most valuable relationship ever experienced in life, for others it’s the one fraught with the most tension. The mother-daughter relationship is a lifelong connection between women. This relationship illuminates our most fundamental beliefs and expectations about what it means to be a woman. It is fundamental to our sense of how to be in relationship with ourselves and with others. It is around our mothers that we build our identity, including the kind of mother we will become. If we feel supported in this relationship it is likely to have minimal conflict. If our sense of self is not supported or approved within this context, conflict is likely to emerge. While it is possible to perceive the discord we have in this relationship as destructive and problematic, this need not be the case. Our lives may be considerably different from our mothers and from our daughters, but seeing things through their eyes can help us develop a better sense of ourselves. Why did you choose a different life than your mother? In what ways is your daughter following in your footsteps? Where are the similarities? Where are the differences? The rebellious teen is likely to only see differences, areas where understanding is lacking. The obedient child is likely to see only similarities, ways to appease. The clear sign of emerging maturity comes when we are able look at ourselves in relationship to our mothers and find places where we are both similar and different, and then accept the differences. This perspective tends to make us better mothers, mothers who can be both a model for their daughters and allow them room for self-expression. Like our mothers, we serve as guideposts for our daughters. We illuminate what they may want to and may not want to become. The challenge and growth comes from accepting ourselves, our mothers, and our daughters as unique individuals.

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Depression: A Female Problem?

At any one time 17 million people in the United States suffer from the symptoms of major depression. If that is not staggering enough, consider that three out of every four people experiencing these symptoms are women. Signs of depression include: irritability, a pervasive feeling of sadness and hopelessness, feelings of worthlessness, and significant changes in weight and/or sleep patterns. Do these symptoms feel familiar to you? Many women experience this set of feelings premenstrually, during pregnancy, postpartum, and during menopause. It may be no surprise then that the proportion of women with symptoms of depression increases dramatically around adolescence. Although hormonal levels and changes may account for some of the emotional stress in a woman’s life, there are other factors that tend to precipitate depression. Adolescence also marks the beginning of major social changes in a girl’s life. This is the time, for many girls, that being attractive and desirable becomes more important than feeling good or being successful in a particular activity. Feelings of worthlessness and diminished self-esteem are common symptoms of depression, particularly among women. It is also not surprising that the symptoms of depression are also the symptoms of grief. In fact, one of the things that distinguishes depression from grief is that the symptoms need to exist separate from an apparent loss, otherwise it is called bereavement. What many professionals seem to overlook is that pregnancy can signify a loss of identity and connection with our bodies, menstruation is still considered "dirty" for many girls, and menopause is often the marked end of womanhood. Why aren’t these considered losses? If we looked at some of these experiences and life changes as involving loss we may be better able to understand the symptoms that follow. There are several effective treatments for depression. Cognitive-behavioral and interpersonal therapies have been found effective in several major studies. But they are not some kind of "magic potion." The reason for success is really quite logical. These therapies involve changing our ways of thinking and interacting in our relationships. Depression can be tragic, destroying intimacy and sometimes ending in suicide. But treatment works. It can help to talk to a professional. Depression can have a happy ending.

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Food For Thought

Women and food. The very words conjure up an array of images to which all women living in our society can relate. Naturally following is the notion of how we as women relate to our bodies. When we look outside of ourselves we are bombarded with images that remind us that we really can’t be thin enough. Recent talk of several actresses being diagnosed with eating disorders seems to validate the thin line that many of us try to walk . . . the one between ultimate beauty and severe illness. Isn’t it amazing that these constructs, which seem to be on the opposite ends of the spectrum, are so closely related? During the last few decades the media has progressively shifted the portrayal of women from that of slightly thinner than average (8%) to substantially thinner than average (23%). This is really indicative of how women’s relationship with food has come full circle. If we look back to how our mothers and grandmothers related to food, many of us will think of a grand meal that communicated love and caring. Everyone, regardless of cultural background, has some sense of "comfort food." Historically, women’s relationship with food represents more than comfort, it represents accomplishment. In the days when "women’s work" was more limited to homebound tasks, our accomplishments often went unnoticed. Daily or regular tasks like vacuuming and ironing received the most attention when not completed. But a meal was a tangible representation of "what we did all day." With food we nurtured our loved ones and ourselves. Although our roles have changed, our relationship to food has not. Yet, today we’re increasingly told that depriving ourselves of nutrients makes us more valuable, more attractive. Instinctively we know that this is unhealthy, yet we are not really offered alternative models for expressing ourselves as valuable individuals and for managing our needs and desires. So we are forced to run on empty. This creates an impossible scenario, and thus, a vicious cycle. We comfort ourselves through familiar means, then feel guilty or inadequate. We begin to deprive ourselves of other meaningful relationships and sometimes feel undeserving of the love we truly wish to inspire. Our average bodies, our fat bodies are vying for a position of worth. The very act of taking care of ourselves in a familiar way simultaneously exists as an act of self-loathing. Would this be the case if models looked more like us? Maybe not. But changing the world of advertising and the media is a much more arduous task than changing our own relationship with food. The first step to making a change is to recognize our unique patterns of relating to food and our bodies. The next step is to give ourselves permission to be different (not less than) from an externally created ideal. And then you need to pay close attention to every instance of feeling good about who you are and what you do. Taking these steps allows you to position yourself away from the tightrope between beauty and illness. Instead you get to stand solidly on the ground with a clear sense of who you are, what your worth, and all that you can do. In this position, a sense of comfort and accomplishment are inevitable, which allows you to have your cake and eat it, too.

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Self-esteem, by many people’s standards, is an essential ingredient to success and happiness in life. Without it, the ability to enjoy the present and look forward to the future becomes a struggle and perhaps unattainable. Self-esteem is a term that had little meaning prior to the "me" generation. And today, much of the older generation questions why we place such significance on how we feel about ourselves. It appears to be a narcissistic indulgence. But to those of us who grew up without a solid sense of ourselves, without a positive self-image, it represents a constant endeavor to find our place in the world.

The gut instinct of parents who see their children feel defeated or sad is to make them feel better. It is the same gut instinct that offers a child a kiss as well as a bandaid to help heal a scraped knee. In our efforts to provide our children with self-esteem we often use methods that seem effective for the moment (like a kiss), but have little long-term value. We try to help our kids look for the positive side of things. We say things like, "Oh, it’s not so bad." Or we sing their praises with every opportunity. While words of acclaim are undoubtedly preferred to the message that "nothing is ever good enough," when they are offered as a means of simply mending immediate sorrow they often do more harm than good. Praise and happy words are hollow if they are not genuine and appropriate for the situation. A child whose parents are only complimentary lacks the ability to discern between exemplary and ordinary, well-being and pain, as well as success and failure.

Self-esteem in rooted in one’s sense of ability to function, resolve problems, accomplish tasks, and endure challenges. By its very definition, self-esteem is the reward. It is something that is gained, felt, and experienced when in self-reflection a person can feel good about their self-motivated role in a process. For kids and adults alike, the feeling of success is at the root of self-worth. While encouragement to take on challenges, try new things, and resolve one’s own problems are important aspects of a parent’s role, pressuring or requiring a child to do something takes the role of initiative away from the child and presents an obstacle to developing a healthy sense of self.

In simple terms if your daughter accomplishes something on her own behalf and through her own actions then she can take full credit for her success and a positive sense of self is likely to result. The counterpart to this process is failure. Children need to learn to fail in order to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem. When your son experiences failure he has the opportunity to learn about his own agency. With a chance to try again he discovers that he can learn from his mistakes and achieve success with practice or tenacity. In both cases the children can attribute the outcome to their actions. Self-esteem grows from accomplishments. If success and initiative is generated by parents, it is they, not the child who gains esteem from the process.

To truly help our children develop a healthy sense of self-esteem, it is essential that we allow them to make choices, endure mistakes, and experience failure. It is equally important that we follow up with acknowledgement and encouragement, not minimization and force. Praise, too, is important. But praise is only useful when it is congruent with the child’s sense of accomplishment. By all means offer praise when your kids succeed. You will booster the self-confidence that is developing in your child. Parents can have a powerful role in helping their children develop self-esteem, but it is a supporting role. You cannot do it for them – they have to do it for themselves.

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The Truth About Beauty

As women, we hold a unique power in this society . . . beauty. Prior to the feminist revolution, it was our second most valuable evolutionary commodity (the ability to bear children being the first). As we have moved toward gaining economic power there has been an unspoken rule that we must give up some of this precious commodity in order to be taken seriously by men and treated fairly by women. We can either be successful or beautiful, not both. To have it all, of course, creates too powerful a woman for any mere mortal to contend with. So at times, we play down our beauty or success in order to get along and be part of the team. As compassionate women, we can empathize with those who feel insecure around such a combination of strengths. In fact, many of us have been overtly taught to respond to a compliment with the phrase, "This old thing?" as a way of toning down our power and our pride. Evidently this is so we can remain part of the group, so we are not ostracized due to envy or competition. Thus we end up denying our power of beauty in order to be liked and accepted.

Nonetheless, our culture still maintains some beauty ideal. Youthful, often blond, thin and firm, large perky breasts, smooth skin, small nose, tall (but not too tall), perfectly plucked brows, high cheekbones, wide set eyes (but not too wide set), sparkly white teeth surrounded by big and juicy lips, delicate hands and feet, abs of steel, buns of titanium, shoulders big enough to cry on, and long, sultry legs. Impossible to live up to, right? There’s a reason! Unless you are among the .0001% of the women who fit the profile, this kind of beauty is meant to make us question ourselves, to make us believe that we can never quite have it all. It sells us billions of dollars of products and services. But the reality is that our beauty comes from inside of us.

Successful women have learned that we must be aware and in control of our power. We learn how to modulate our beauty according to the situation. We may deny it outwardly in order to get along, but our genuine strength is in knowing what we possess. Women who hold both economic and beauty power know that it is an internal process that supports our success. Inner beauty, however, is hard to define. We know it when we see it. We know it when we feel it. But to describe it . . . well, it’s like describing "love." Beauty is not something that we recognize on a visual level. It is experienced, both by the possessor and the beholder. It happens in the gut and in the heart. It is expressed and perceived, but it cannot be superficially manufactured.

When I speak with beautiful people, beautiful women, I know that they possess this quality that makes them attractive. I am not speaking of a sexual attraction, although that may be part of it. The attraction is often described as awe. It is the feeling we experience when blessed with a landscape or a sunset that draws your attention or the sound of a magnificent symphony that makes you close your eyes in order to hear it with full intensity. Truly beautiful women match their external presentation to their inner self rather than the other way around. When this happens there is no need to contain or display our beauty in anything other than its most authentic form. Genuine beauty attracts people, it is welcoming. Purely superficial beauty intimidates others. Although some women may still be daunted by a truly beautiful woman, it is a truly beautiful woman who can simultaneously remain genuine to herself and understand the plight of her sister who is still searching. After all, attraction and envy often come together. If we harness our power and acknowledge our inner beauty without fear, we can be taken seriously, treated fairly, and feel wonderful about ourselves – with and without external accouterments.

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These articles are the copyright of Jill C. Morris, Ph.D. Written permission is required to reprint any articles in their entirety. If you would like to use excerpts, please quote accurately and provide appropriate and complete credit.